Pregnancy, childbirth and suffering

(Published in NZ Catholic, 25 March 2012)

You’ll have to excuse me if the topic of this article is somewhat personal. The date of publication of this issue of NZ Catholic happens to also be the expected due date of our third child. Lent is a fitting time to be heavily pregnant. It happens that all three of my due dates have fallen during a penitential time; both our girls were due during advent. It helps to see the parallel between Christ’s suffering and our experience of lent – a time of suffering and penance, followed by a painful event, culminating in the joyous celebration of new life.

The last weeks of pregnancy are a time of slowing down, nesting and preparing oneself for all that is to come. My mind cannot reach beyond my surroundings – what is going on with my body and baby, my family and how I can best serve them in my condition, what is to come and praying to God to be there through it all. Lent is very much like this – focusing on ourselves, what we can give to others and God.

As mothers and women we have the unique vocation of physically sacrificing and offering our bodies, in much the same way Jesus did. We have the privilege of being able to “walk with Christ”; standing in the garden of Gethsemane with him facing our fears of birth, walking along the path to Calvary as he is beaten and fatigued and perhaps wishing the suffering to be taken away. But we are able to endure for the greater glory and the will of God. Knowing that at the end of the suffering – after the crucifixion and the pinnacle of pain – lies glorious new life for us all.

Tags: childbirth, Christ, lent, pregnancy, suffering

10 tips for managing closely spaced babies

Here are my tips for managing closely spaced babies. Things I’ve learnt over the past 18 months with “irish twins” and lessons I’ve learnt over the past few weeks with 3 under 2 and a half. Currently we have a 5 week old. 17 month old and a 28 month old, and this is what’s helped so far:

Tip #1: Babyproof the baby

My two girls love their new baby brother. So much that it poses a potential hazard to his health. So the first essential thing to do in preparing to have the children all to myself is to make our living spaces safe for baby. As we aren’t gifted with more than two hands, it is rather difficult to juggle children. I need to be able to put baby somewhere safe to deal with other things and to let him sleep. I’ve dealt with this by having a tall  and sturdy bassinet that the girls can’t look (or climb) into or pull over, using the capsule/carseat on the table to put him in when I need free hands for the kitchen or something else quickly, and the change table (not unattended) when we are in the lounge. I’ve been wearing him in a sling a lot, although this can be impractical when I also need to frequently pick up a 17 month old and a 2 year old.

Also, essential things need to be available quickly as it is too hard to move from room to room with three small children attached (literally in some cases).

Tip #2: Have a plan for food

If children (and parents) are fed and watered they are happy. If not, they turn into wild animals/hunter and gatherers. And its so easy as busy mums to neglect ourselves and forget to eat. Food is one of the first things I plan out in the morning. Its important to know what will be eaten for breakfast that is quick and filling (my little ones are very grumpy in the morning until they have eaten), what snacks will be healthy and easily accessed (as bribery or distraction while busy with another child perhaps), what can be given for lunch that can be self managed in case I am needed for something and then what will please the whole family for dinner. Slow cookers that you can prepare in the morning and cooking double and putting some in the freezer for a tired/busy day help too.

Tip #3: Have some kind of organisation 
I don’t mean a perfectly ordered house, I mean something like a list, so that if all else is chaos at least it looks good on paper. I’ve lost my brain lately. Its filled with information that I couldn’t survive without, like who is due the next nappy change/sleep/story/cuddle. Information thats useless to anyone else and doesn’t help much when someone shows up to do something I’ve forgotton about etc.

I also have several times a day when I hit a total blank. About really basic things. So I’ve been using a whiteboard and have on it about 5 lists that I can glance at. Lists of dinner and lunch options that are quick and I have ingredients on hand for, activities that I can do with the toddlers, things that need doing around the house and things I need to buy/do to keep the household running. So I can add to it as I think of things before they disappear from my brain, and I can look at it quickly to get some idea of what should happen next.

Tip #4: Keep them busy

By this I mean keep activities close at hand to keep toddlers busy or offer distractions when needed. Particularly applicable at the moment I guess while I have to occupy toddlers while breastfeeding a baby and unable to move. So they have things they can easily access that I can set them up with or they can get themselves. This can also be helpful in distracting them from fighting or doing something they shouldn’t when I can’t get to them to help instantly, that way I can get them on to something else or deal with it verbally.

Tip #5: Plan ahead
An essential part of the extremes of multitasking is always being at least one step ahead. Be prepared for everything that could inevitably happen. A perhaps bad example off the top of my head say is if one child will need potentially need handwashing in 5 minutes get the cloth before you start as you don’t know how tied up you will be in 5 minutes time. Do what you can at certain times of the day to make things easier for later. First thing in the morning is a chaotic time with all of them getting up at the same time so I should do what I can the night before to take the pressure off when they all need nappy changes, dressing and feeding simultaneously at 6.30am. I’ve found things happen in waves – for me first thing in the morning, then around 10.30, then around lunchtime and then from 3pm until bedtime are the busiest times of day. In between things are quite settled. At those times everyone needs me all at once. So preparing during the lulls for the busy times are the easiest ways to manage.

Tip #6: Keep it manageable
I’ve found the times that I’ve taken the kids out to something totally out of routine all hell has broken loose and I’ve left feeling totally discouraged and wondering why I do this. For us structure and regularity are the things that keep everyone happy and things moving in a good way. Make sure you have a plan for getting out and about. We have a phil and teds pram and a buggypod, which means we now have a triple pram. Although its still early days for us venturing out, it makes me much more confident in getting out and about as it is them running away and only having one me and three of them is a rather daunting thought.

Tip #7: Don’t sweat the small stuff
I think you have to be relaxed. You can’t be in all places at once.

Tip #8: Don’t stress about cleaning. You do what you can.
I try to have a big cleanup and then do little bits each day of housework. Doing one big toy cleanup at night before bed helps. Not procrastinating has also made a massive difference to my life and sanity. If you are leaving the room take something that belongs in another room with you, put clothes away as you fold them, while you are waiting for the microwave do the dishes etc. Spending a few minutes here and there on little things prevents spending a long time and a lot of energy (that you realistically don’t have) on having to do everything at once. Thats part of the reason I keep lists. My housework to do list covers a fortnight, say giving me a fortnight to do a few bigger housework things like mop the floors, and as I cross things off it gives a great sense of accomplishment.

Tip #9: Love, love, love.
Get used to having a full lap. Having multiple little ones following you wherever you go. Love each one as you can and enjoy each moment you get with them one on one. Enjoy watching their relationships with each other blossom, and them helping each other grow in patience, love and learning. As is constantly told to me, they are only so small for a short time. This too shall pass.

Tip #10: Refill
Take time for yourself. Rest when you get the opportunity. Take offers of help when you can.
Pray. God offers the best help and reflection for all that we go through. He gave us these children for a purpose.
Get out of the house on your own when you can. Talk to friends. Invite people over if you can’t make it out.

Overall though, in my experience having close together babies has meant they are confident and independent at a young age. They have to figure things out for themselves, teach the younger ones and do things on their own since I can’t be all places at once. They have close relationships with each other, always having a best friend from birth, and teaching each other so much. I love the challenge and the dynamics of our family and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Tags: household management, Irish Twins, managing close spaced babies, motherhood

Growing appreciation for life

You’ll have to forgive me for not blogging in some time. I write this now on my phone with a sleeping baby on me, which is less than ideal but you take the moments you get…
I am now proud mother to three under 2 and a half – two beautiful, helpful, blossoming wee girls and a content, bonny, fast growing wee boy.
Multitasking has taken on a whole new level. Washing and nappies are circulating the house continually and I hardly get a moment (literally) to sit down. But I am loving the challenge and watching each of my children grow in relation to each other. Life has never been so full and yet so fulfilling. I am genuinely happy. 

Our son very unexpectedly spent his first week in Neonatal Intensive Care. He was a 4.53kg/10lb baby and he somehow (we will never know exactly) caught an infection at birth. His first hours and days are a blur of him being taken away from us, talking to doctors, approving procedures (tests – bloods and lumbar puncture) and worrying and praying that we would find out what was going on and that he would be ok. He was precautionarily (is that a word?) put on antibiotics, which was just as well as within the week he was a healthy little boy again.

Being in NICU and having a sick baby and seeing the other babies who were in worse situations than our own son really made us appreciate life and all the gifts God gives us. It is so easy to take for granted everything that we have, and to worry and fuss about things that in the scheme of things really don’t matter. I think that this challenging experience has been such a gift. It has strengthened our marriage, together going through the anxious days and nights caring for our sick son and changing the plans that we had thinking we would be out of hospital within 48 hours. We have greater faith, depending on God and prayer to get us through tough times. We have recieved so many great gifts from family and community – prayers, meals, care for our children and our household at a time we couldn’t manage everything. And coming home to be reunited with our other two daughters has made me further truly appreciate each moment of watching them grow and blossom, as healthy and beautiful children. Our time with them as they are is so short and we never know what is ahead.

Being open to God’s plan in our life especially for us includes being open with our fertility, through using natural family planning rather than contraception. Although this has led us in ways we least expected (4 pregnancies in 3 years), it has brought us more joy than a route of life that I think we would have “idealised” for ourselves. Though this way is often challenging, the fruits of it make us so much richer. I would never take back the children we have or the experiences that we have gone through. For all that we go through makes us more “whole” as people as we put our trust in God through all that we face.

Outside day and finger painting

The thickened mixture before adding colouring

Today, after many days of wet weather, we took advantage of a sunny day and spent the entire day (minus nap time) outside.

Pots of coloured fingerpaint

First thing in the morning I made finger paint. Once it had cooled and I’d done my jobs inside we went out, set up a table and lots of paper, aprons and old clothes. And the girls made as much mess as they wanted. They had a great time.

Let the fun begin

Then I hand washed all the woollen baby clothes outside in a tub and the girls played in the baby bath filled with warm soapy water. It got rid of all the paint. And then they ran around outside kicking the ball and picking things (both unripe and ripe) from the garden until lunchtime.

It all sounds quite romantic.
Anyway, the finger paint recipe is:

3 tbsp sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup corn flour
2 cups water

You warm all these in a saucepan until it thickens, then I divided it into little pots and added food colouring.

The great thing was that the kids covered themselves in it and what stayed on them seemed to dry and just peel off. It left no mess. So happy busy kids and happy mum with not having to stress about cleaning up

Mother Hen

After weeks (years?) patiently waiting, my husband’s childhood dream has finally come true. We have the joy of having baby chicks in the backyard.

All it took was seeing an advertisement for a broody bantam on trade me, and then acquiring some fertile eggs from Willowbank Wildlife Reserve. Then after nights of coaxing our hen onto the eggs, careful watching and waiting, finally they arrived.

My husband said he now knows what its like for me giving birth (?!?).

We now have two Polish Bantam and three Silver Spangled Hamburg chicks.

They are great to watch and very entertaining for us all. It makes you really understand the “mother hen” and “under mother’s wing” type quotes and analogies seeing it all in person. For the first days they hardly left the refuge of their mother’s feathers. Now, nearly a week old, they don’t do anything without their mother showing them or encouraging them to peck, eat, play, run or drink.

It’ll be interesting to see now if we have roosters or hens… But that will be a whole other story.

Tags: chickens chicks garden

Natural Living

Call it nesting (31 weeks into pregnancy), or the fact that we have spent our budget the week before pay day every fortnight lately, but I’ve got really into natural living lately.

We’ve always been living pretty “naturally”: we grow our own fruit and veges where we can, we have chickens, we mostly eat things made from “scratch” from fresh ingredients, and since we were married we’ve practiced natural fertility (meaning no artificial contraception). And this summer, with the aid of my Christmas present (Wendyl Nissen’s books) I started making our own cleaning and baby products.

Making Laundry Liquid

Even if it wasn’t doing anything else good for us, being “chemical free” is definately a pick me up mentally and for our budget.  Its actually amazing how easy it really is once you have the stuff. And how many effective things you can make from baking soda and vinegar! I can make a bottle of “Spray and Wipe” for cents, versus the around $4.25 a refill costs at the supermarket. And it makes everything smell good and just as clean.

Years ago we were given a copy of “Living off the smell of an oily rag”, and I never really thought much about it until recently. Then, with two babies at home and the growing sense of my calling as a mother and homemaker I began to look more into living healthier, cheaper and without all the mass produced junk that seems to fill our lives. The way families did in the past. It seems this is a growing trend as books and websites like Wendyl Nissen’s and Natural Parent Magazine gain in followers and people incorporating this into their lifestyles. Mainstream magazines and media are including this thinking. Even website losebabyweight.co.nz included an article on natural fertility today.

Incorporating this thinking doesn’t necessarily take over the whole of everything we do as a family, I’m not going too crazy (yet) and making absolutely everything. That would be far to overwhelming. But its nice to take small steps at a time to live in a cheaper and more simple way.

Managing closely spaced babies: Part One – Pregnancy and Panic

Managing babies that are spaced close together doesn’t start when the second (or third, or whatever) is born. It begins at conception. It starts at the very moment that child is first thought of, or as realisation hits that indeed you are pregnant and another is on the way.

For me, no matter how planned or excited we were about the pregnancy, this hit in the form of a moment of pure panic. A moment of all at once ”what have I got myself into? How am I going to manage this? How will I get anywhere, do anything? I’ll never be able to do xxx again. How am I going to juggle all this?” Purely selfish of course. And then I thought about the beautiful little soul that had been created, and didn’t want any negativity put on that baby (despite my panic). God equipped me for everything in this journey so far and so will equip me for one more. Not that I haven’t had that moment of panic since. I realistically have it quite regularly when I actually have a moment to think about all that is going on. But that also doesn’t stop me being excited about it all.

I think if we didn’t worry in pregnancy (whether it is our first or tenth child) we wouldn’t prepare ourselves properly because we wouldn’t come up with a plan of action for our worst case scenario. Then there are two options. Either the worst case scenario doesn’t eventuate and we breathe a sigh of relief that it isn’t as bad as we thought. Or the worst case scenario happens (or alas it is worse!) but we are ok because we kind of prepared ourselves for it.

Pregnancy while caring for a baby I think is also good preparation for having more. My first pregnancy was definitely my worst – I had bad morning sickness, had severe hypothyroidism, gained lots of weight and got bad water retention. Since then both my pregnancies have got easier in succession – something I put down to three things. Firstly, being able to look after myself better (you have to with being pregnant for so long consecutively and with having to care for others). But unlike my first pregnancy, I knew what medications and vitamins would help, what to eat, to rest when I could etc. Secondly, being busier I am less able to feel sorry for myself or dwell on ill feelings. Thirdly, just pure luck.

I think the thing to overcome with having more than one close together is the tiredness. Looking after a 24 month old and a 13 month old, one of whom doesn’t tend to have a day sleep, means I don’t have very many moments to myself all day. And they definitely take a lot of energy. And that’s just them, not managing a house as well. So when the end of the day comes and they are both in bed I’m often totally exhausted beyond thinking straight. It’s important to take a few moments during the day when you can, even if that “luxury” of sitting is folding the washing and sitting on the swiss ball, reading a story to the kids or lying on the couch watching ‘The Wiggles’. Lately, I’ve taken to sitting on the floor with the kids moving progressively around the room putting away toys. They get cuddles and playtime with mum, and the lounge gets cleaned. Multitasking is vital!

Nesting and getting organised for baby is relatively easy, since you have already been through a newborn and baby recently (if not currently). I had pretty much everything I needed, particularly having two girls. And I knew what I needed or wanted that would make things easier. Like a pram that fitted another baby in. Babies close together definitely make things cheaper in terms of hand-me-downs and sharing everything amongst the children. My girls share clothes, toys and all baby things were in great condition having only used them 11 months before hand. The same should hopefully apply to baby #3 soon.

Time out and time to bond and think about the new baby is also essential I think. My second pregnancy what got me through was an hour long pregnancy massage every fortnight throughout pregnancy. This pregnancy, pilates is what has ‘balanced me out’ . Both give me time to get away on my own and connect with my body and baby (which is easy to neglect when you are busy with small children). For this I am fitter now than I probably was before having any children. Also for me, prayer. Without God’s grace who knows where I would be. I trust that by keeping in touch with Jesus I will be ‘moulded’ and given the gifts I need at the right time to be a good wife and parent in the right situations. Each child is gifted to us and God obviously trusts us with these precious souls, so he will prepare us for what skills and things we need to raise them.

So hopefully that covers the topic of pregnancy. Any questions feel free to ask.

Tags: Babies, Close together babies, Irish Twins, motherhood, pregnancy, preparation